I have always had trust issues. It wasn’t until very recently that I fully understood it was a lack of self-trust at the root of them all. I suppose most issues are self-issues at the root.
I’m indecisive. I can see things from multiple perspectives. I think that is a good thing and it is for keeping an open mind. But I need to delineate my own true perspective from all the others and make decisions from that place. I know this.
It is not easy for me. I have been wrong so many times before about so many things, so many people, so many feelings. But if I am honest, most of the times where I’ve been wrong it was in my lack of trust in my own process or my lack of boundaries protecting that process. Sometimes it is just easier to do what is expected of you instead of what is true of you. Until it isn’t.
My personal definition of trust is having faith in the outcome of following my Truth. I stumble and doubt and fear but I keep going when it feels right. My trust is my process. I apply this process by checking my direction, my actions, and my feelings against my truth. If it jives, I move on. If it doesn’t, I recalibrate. My path isn’t determined by the destination I seek mostly because I do not have a fixed destination. Allowing the end to be open has been the biggest test of courage and trust in my life.
I exercise my trust by being authentic. I seek the ever-evolving integrity of my flawed being. I walk my path with my heart as my compass and Love as my true north. It isn’t always comfortable despite how glung-glung zen I just made it sound. Ahhh my heart is my compass and Love is my north.
Pretty words. But in reality the truths I find are not always gracious. They can be quite ferocious and brutal at times. But I integrate each new truth. Especially the ugly ones for I’ve found they carve into my heart more deeply and make space for fresh faith.
I can’t ever know what really lies ahead. I’ve been knocked off my path more than a few times. And I’ve wandered off as many times too. And I may not be walking a path that anyone else can understand. What I do know is that I will never regret the steps I take and decisions I make when they are rooted in honest and unconditional love. Not ever.
So that is my process. I fuel up on grace and inspiration in whatever form they offer themselves to me in each moment. Then I keep going in the direction of my heart. I trust that is enough. I trust I am enough.
Like the flower gives a fragrance, give yourself a chance, just a chance, to trust yourself, love yourself, and be yourself. Now close your eyes, raise your right hand, place your left hand on your heart, and take a vow, repeating 3 times: I trust myself, I love myself, I am myself. —Yogi Bhajan
Nikki is a Mother, Wife, Healer, Hopeful Suburban Homesteader acknowledges words are her mind’s tools; writing her soul’s craft; and this circus of life her heart’s muse. Read more from Nikki here on her blog, The Way I Bee. Nikki’s massage therapy and energy healing, including reiki/cranio with some spontaneous journey work, are part of the offerings at Nourishing Storm Wellness Company.