I don’t know why I had such a hard time with this theme. I thought it was going to be so easy. I’m devoted to Truth. No question. That has been my journey these last few years. I made it part of my spiritual practice to devote each year to something I wish to cultivate then take these monthly themes within the broader context of my intention. I started 3 years ago. I started with Unconditional Love and Compassion – to me they come from the same lineage of energy so I merged them. There is no unconditional love without compassion.
The universe obliged me with plenty of tests. Some days I passed, some days I failed. Every day I learned. On the days I failed, I looked for what triggered my poor behavior. In the beginning I felt guilty about all the ways I seemed to fail to be my best. I learned quickly guilt doesn’t serve me. I discovered I needed to give some compassion to myself. I accepted, forgave and committed to doing better next time. I can honestly say, it took me up until that year of my life to figure out how to love myself.
The next year I took on Integrity. And again the universe complied. I integrated the faults and darknesses that I had finally accepted. I had to look at who I was in wholeness. I stepped away from my physical practice to take care of my soul. I had a life altering experience in the midst of this leg of my journey. And I learned how to grieve with Integrity. I learned how to stay whole, with all my love intact, while my heart was broken open.
This year it is Authenticity. Inwardly living my Truth as it whispers to me and outwardly seeking the truth and my part in this collective experience. Discovering how I can be my best in this world. Lately I have been seeing so much in the world that is unfair and I’m seeing the way I am connected to the systems that keep it unfair. This is the truth I have sat with lately. I thought about taking a break from the news and the thought exposed a truth that I could not ignore. I could turn the news off. I can turn it off. And the worst of what I saw won’t really touch my life once I stop looking at it. But turning my eyes away does not make it go away.
I have devoted myself to Truth and living my best expression of it. I struggled in writing this piece because this is the truth I’ve been been sitting with and to write of anything else felt inauthentic. It was this theme, devotion, that led me to dig deeper with this. How can I write of anything else? So I’ve been holding a mirror to myself, one that isn’t made to make everything look good. But instead one that allows me to see at all I have that I take for granted.
I saw the advantages I was given at birth, given to me with the clay that will surround my soul for this lifetime. Before I had love for myself, I would have felt devalued if someone told me I was privileged. I would have felt offended, as if it implied I didn’t work for what I had or never suffered. But my older self has accepted my truths, even the subtle and unpleasant ones I inherited with my clay body. When I hear it with love in my heart, I don’t feel it lessens my experience by acknowledging the ways I have had it easier, safer, and kinder than most in this world.
I haven’t fully figured out what I am to do with this particular truth. The truth of an unjust world that has benefited me. I am devoting myself to finding the ties I still have to the systems of injustice. I felt I needed to express this here to hold myself accountable to this devotion. I will continue to tune in and listen so I can understand my part more deeply and find a way to be of greater service. And I thank you for allowing me this space to heal, integrate, love and work.
“We have great work ahead of us, and it needs devotion and much, much energy. To grow, to discover, we need involvement, which is something I experience every day – sometimes good, sometimes frustrating. No matter what, you must let your inner light guide you out of the darkness.” – Bruce Lee
Nikki is a Mother, Wife, Healer, Hopeful Suburban Homesteader acknowledges words are her mind’s tools; writing her soul’s craft; and this circus of life her heart’s muse. Read more from Nikki here on her blog, The Way I Bee. Nikki’s massage therapy and energy healing, including reiki/cranio with some spontaneous journey work, are part of the offerings at Nourishing Storm Wellness Company.