It’s not surprising to me I’m running late on forgiveness. Seems like a recurring theme in my life. I suppose it is in everyone’s lives in some way.
I was good at holding grudges. I still am really but I’ve been working on that. I am really good at remembering grievances. And I had to learn to forgive. I have so much more living to do and as more living gets behind me, I find some big wounds of yesterday are mere scratches. And I need to stop picking the scabs and keeping them unhealed.
But sometimes I have a “day”. And I find myself dipping back in. Looking for the scars. Looking for things from my past to help fuel some anger of the moment. I’ve learned to recognize those “days” early. And every time I dip down, I try to change the frequency. Put on some Marley. “Are you picking up now?” Zone in on my breath. Look out a window at the sky. Ctrl+Alt+Del my sensory system for a second so I can remember I forgave that mess a while back. I’ve forgiven it all. Mostly because I realize I can’t get higher if I keep going back to it.
The itchiest wounds are the ones I gave myself. Because I know I’m still in there. The one that can screw up bigtime. But there’s a new me I’m getting to know who knows how to talk to her. And taught the angry, vengeful me how to chill out. And I gotta say, life is good.
And yes, I have scars that will always pain me when it rains. That’s a different forgiveness I’m still learning my way with. It’s the kind of forgiveness that I had to rehabilitate my faith to find. Forgiveness for things that just kind of happened. Forgiving life for being so very uncontrollable. For all the ways life knocks us around. That kind of forgiveness is a practice. That is getting back up and staying open to life. It is developing an invincible vulnerability, so powerful the grace of forgiveness.
So everyday I live life as it hits and I forgive myself and the world. Every. Day. And as part of the bargain, for a truly sustainable forgiveness practice, I have to try to do better. Every. Day. I have to do my best each day as it comes. So far I’m finding that while forgiveness doesn’t bring justice, doesn’t correct mistakes or reconcile differences, it brings me a a lot closer to those ends than anger, guilt and shame. Without forgiveness opening my heart, I don’t know that I could understand the heart’s true capacity for love. So I accept that forgiveness is just an ongoing thing that will forever be working on me. I mean, so many textures to all of life’s experiences in this ever evolving world; a world we are all here trying to figure out. Yeah, I forgive you. I forgive me. I forgive us all. Now let’s do better.